10/11/18: Archives all updated!
section 5 50 Things To Do In A Church:

1 - Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2 - A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3 - Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4 - Un-tune the piano.
5 - Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6 - Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7 - Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8 - Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9 - Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10 - Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11 - Start a wave.
12 - Do cool things with the lighting.
13 - When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14 - Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15 - When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16 - Make up your own words to the songs.
17 -Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18 - Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19 - If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20 - Dress all in black, or in camo.
21 - Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22 - If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23 - At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24 - Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25 - Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26 - Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27 - Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28 - Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29 - Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30 - Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31 - During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32 - Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33 - Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34 - Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35 - When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36 - Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37 - Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38 - Blow bubbles.
39 - Fake a possession.
40 - Distribute condoms.
41 - Speak in tongues.
42 - Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43 - Drool in the collection plate.
44 - Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45 - After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46 - Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47 - At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48 - Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49 - Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50 - Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

99 Ways to impress your girlfriend.

1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old favorite.
2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you @#%$ on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her @#%$ tightens up.
5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka: watersports)
6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.
10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.
11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
17. Dirty Sanchez - While banging a girl doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on her upper lip, providing her a mustache.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.
20. The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.
21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your @#%$ on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act where one person is forced to chow starfish with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, jism, etc
24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping away, and you discover that it's her time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
26. The Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty Zena who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat. You punch her.
27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty @#%$ her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).
29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (with both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the skank's face and taking a dump.
31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets while getting head. You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.
32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.
33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you fart while humping, pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until all movement ceases.
34. Smoking Pole - Self Explanatory. Don't use fire.
35. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reacharound while getting your salad tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.
36. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red @#%$ on the turkey's chin.
37. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.
38. Rusty Anchor - After a healthy term of the Stovepiping, the recipient gets to enjoy a good fudgesicle.
39. Sandpiper - A stovepiping on the local beach, desert, or playground sandbox. Also known as the Sandblast.
40. Lucky Pierre - the middle man in a three way buttfuck. Also known as the french sandwich.
41. Divortex- A mystical place into which old friends are sucked when a married couple splits up.
42. Blump- To suck someone's dick while they are taking a dump.
43. Bustard- A very rude bus driver.
44. Cold Faithful- Blowing your visibly-steaming load outside in the winter-time, like when you get your @#%$ sucked on a ski-lift.
45. Grand pappy smash- To beat your meat so hardcore that it starts to chafe and bleed.
46. Esplanade- To attempt an explanation while drunk.
47. Flatulence- The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
48. Butt Rodeo- When you're going at it with a girl, you flip her over real fast, start ramming her in the ass and yell as loud as possible "BUTT RODEO!" You then see how long you can ride her till she tosses ya off!
49. Bargoyle- The hideous old hair-spray hag who seems to live at your local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly, spends hundreds of dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually threatening comments to frightened college freshmen.
50. Pasteurize- Once you get her hairy bush pasteurize, you got it licked!
51. Beerelevant- A point which does not seem to be particularly important, given enough beer
52. Mangry- Describing the anger of women who are angry at men, specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain mangry."
53. Clitourist- A man who won't stop and ask for directions in bed. ie: "Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realized that her new boyfriend was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a clitourist."
54. Stuffucking- The act of "stuffing in" your limp, helpless member in hopes of getting it up. Potential causes: you're too drunk or she's too ugly. (see also; Fugly)
55. Antlers- Wide, flat, flapjack titties that come to a sharp point at the nipples.
56. The Kangmin - while a girl is reciting bad poetry, you take her from behind.
57. The Flaming Amazon- This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then extinguish the flames with your jizz!
58. The Screwnicorn -When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
59. Split pissonality -When you're taking a leak and you get two streams out of the one hole!
60. A Short in the Cord- A "code" phrase used by the common man to refer to Testicular Tendon Tangle Syndrome. Ex. "Oh @#%$! My nuts are killing me... I think I've got a short in the cord."
61. Old Jism Trail -The stream of semen oozing down the chin and chest of someone who has just finished fellating a senior citizen.
62. Abdicate -To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
63. Lymph -To walk with a lisp.
64. Anal Boot- An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their @#%$ and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.
65. Australian Death Grip- The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
66. Fumilingus -When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his/her face.
67. Intoxicourse- Having sexual intercourse whilst piss-drunk.
68. Valsalva -The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward.
69. Insta-gasm -Pre-mature ejaculation at the sight of a beautiful woman. ie: "She was so fine, I had an insta-gasm before I could get her clothes off!"
70. Manual Deconstipation -This is where you get out the hand cream and go in manually for the hammerhead by breaking it into smaller chunks and pulling it out a piece at a time.
71. Post Poodum Syndrome -The feeling of depression felt after successful removal of a hammerhead. The excitement has passed, and you must now find something else to occupy your time.
72. The Homolic Maneuver -Using your penis to dislodge an object blocking a choking victim's windpipe.
73. Pegging - having a female take you in the rear with a strap on.
74. The UnderDog - after a hard session at the gym, your armpit muscle begins to twitch; thus giving you the ability to jerk a guy off with your armpit muscle.
75. The Twinkler - when you are 69ing a girl and you shove your dick into mouth hard, and you watch her a-hole "twinkle" as she gags.
76. Angry dragon - This involves the girl giving the guy head and as he is about to cum slapping the girl on the back of the head causing the cum to come out her nose. Great care should be used to not slap her mouth shut.
77. Tony Danza - a takeoff of the donkey punch is called the Tony Danza. When you are about to cum while doing a girl from behind, you say "who's the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says anything you shout "TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
78. Alaskan firedragon - another good take off is one of the angry dragon that is called the alaskan firedragon. When a girl is giving you a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up her mouth at the same time. Then whisper in her ear "i have syphilis" so she spews it out her nose.
79. The Walrus - when she's giving u a blowjob and u cum in her mouth unexpectadly, cover up her mouth and punch her in the stomach.
80. The Fat Lip - If you get poison ivy and finger a girl, her labia lips will swell. A la, the fat lip.
81. Sleeping Bag - If you're going down on a really fat girl, you pull her enormous stomach roll of fat over your head.
82. Hummer Bird - when a girl is giving a guy a hummer, and he's enjoying it, she bites on his bird.
83. Bloody Mary - when a drunk guy is going down on a girl and without even realizing it after he's done, he realizes Mary was very Bloody
84. The Houdini - this maneuver is accomplished while going at it doggy style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on the small of her back (making her think you've finished...). It's at the point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your load in her face (in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques down.) Also known as the Doug Hennings and the David Copperfield.
85. Upperdecking - This one takes practice. This maneuver requires a toilet with a tank above it, like the ones in most homes. Instead of crapping in the bowl, you @#%$ in the tank (i.e. upperdecking). Now don't flush. When the following victim flushes, the rancid waste fills the bowl. If you play your cards right, it may ferment
86. Journey into darkness - This is the most disturbing of all. It entails shitting into another person's @#%$. Not for beginners.
87. Rocky Balboa - dont shower for 2 weeks, then diarrhea down her throat at any point during sexual contact.
88. Rocky Balboa Title Punch - same as the Rocky Balboa, but in that non-showering 2 weeks all you eat is corn.
89. The McDonald's Quick Draw - Get your girlfriend to talk dirty into the intercom, making the order guy start to beat off. Then while pulling up to the window, have her give you falatio till you are about to blow your beefy chunk-load. Upon pulling up to the window, tell your girl friend to yell "Draw!". Then on "three", both you and the guy blow your loads either on her or eachother.
90. Uncle Jemima - the typical dirty chef at your local Denny's or other low-class food establishment who occasionally becomes disgruntled, and takes out his frustration on your meal, via "the ass wipe" or the "French Toast Strut" seen in Road Trip.
91. Airtight - this is where a girl has a @#%$ in each of her three holes, hence, airtight.
92. The Throne of Lightning - This is done by @#%$ a girl while you @#%$ in a toilet. When you're going to blow your load, turn her over and dunk her head in the toilet, while she's bobbing for your turd plummet a river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with "Ride the Lightning," a Metallica album
93. Abe Lincoln - You're getting a girl up the ass and give her a swift donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her unconscious. You then turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all over her face. Then you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread it where you jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol Honest Abe's.
94. Thanksgiving - Just like the holiday, Thanksgiving is when you do a girl and then she puts her two big butt cheeks on your face like holiday hams. An overcooked thanksgiving is similar to this but instead of just putting the cheeks on your head she farts on it too.
95. PEUM - An acronym coined by a group of drunk assholes that defines the annoying (and uncontrollable) tendency to piss in multiple directions after a raucous @#%$: Post-Ejaculatory Urinary Misfire.
96. The Beverly Hills Whiffer -This move is restricted to those women who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a woman of the above description. Take her home and start doggie styling her. When you're about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass, scraping as much @#%$ as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach around her head to stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back so she can see you while you yell "So, you think your @#%$ don't stink now ?!"
97. Shanghai Shampoo - @#%$ a chick until you've built up a load large enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub it in thoroughly. When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles often served with chop suey.
98. Frosting the Cake - When you are about to cum, blow a load all over her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the Jism around the breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles on it and start singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles
99. Spicey Stanley - When a girl takes hot sauce and pours it on your @#%$. She then proceeds to give you a blowjob, making sure all of the hot sauce is gone.


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