100 Things to Do to Annoy Your Roommate
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on
the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!"
as loud as you can and dance around the room for 5 minutes. Afterwards keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash your room when your roommates not around. Then leave and
wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..."
and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that your
not sorry because this time they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before going o bed. Take them off as soon
as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming,
but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire
about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain
that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every thursday, pack up everything that you own and tell your
roommate that you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one
was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh my God! Where
the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back
to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"
Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing
so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this
up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take
off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus.
Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate
in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her. He/She won't be here much
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the
head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come and
visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously
"recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything
to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Ooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of it.
If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say that you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in
the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain
that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you are going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests,
hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch t.v.
with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the t.v. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the bad reception.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of the window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside the window and lie
down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate
to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait
a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel
sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate
to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then, stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only
a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the
flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him/her Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry.
I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if
he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then
go back to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay guys,
you can come out now!"
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you
to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with
Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining,
"No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate
can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the
party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the
tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again,
continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that
you have won by forfeit and therefore have conquered his side of the room. Insist
that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor)
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended
your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about
it, tell him/her that you traded it for magic beans. Give some beans to your
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for awhile, and
then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops
on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report the someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do
so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed.
If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with
you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her
When you walk into the room, look at the roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate
is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no,
drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things
about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about
it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw
on the mug for about ten minutes. Then look at your roommate, immediately put
the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day,
hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
"Damn road runner....."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I
know what you did," and "Don't think that you can fool me." Sign
them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you want
to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the
plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing
your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like
your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that
they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited
every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonald's, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing
things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she complains about it, go on a tangent about
the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having
had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to
be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe..."
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern
has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern
thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really
don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look
around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator
to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about
a month. Confide in your roommate that you think that the refrigerator has been
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much
you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain
about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember
the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you
and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for
about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means that there's
going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything
on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on
them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain
to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide to your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes
has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage
can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects,
explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is
asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies.
If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the
Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's
teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel
spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate
to apologize to the camel.
The Top Ten Signs That Your Co-Worker
Is A Computer Hacker:
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
If AOL were a city:
1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name,
and all females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans
2. You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried
to leave your house, the door would be stuck!
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by
slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to
leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard!
5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special
offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com!
6. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form
letter saying how you "really important you are to us!"
7. The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass
company somewhere else!
8. Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this
business would account for 75% of all city revenue!
9. Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently screaming,
10. Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm J0e
Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records.
Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to
evict you and your family!"
11. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer
screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!"
12. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license plate
and laugh behind your back!
13. Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of the
town security expert!
14. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling
you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the
15. You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd
wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms!
16. You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate
Top Sixteen Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on *COPS*.
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...
10. You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left
over for a hooker.
8. We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your*
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*!
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.
And The Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan:
1. We put the *Ho* in *Motel*.
Little known facts
* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for
* American car horns beep in the tone of F.
* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
* 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of
* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive
salad served in first-class.
* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
* The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
pickles the company once had.
* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (all
* The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
* Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head
on a Pez
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all
of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion
talked out of it by her doctor.
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
* Pearls melt in vinegar.
* It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
supply of footballs.
* The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Budweiser, in that order.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
* Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor
and figured out how to walk up straight
* Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
the letters from the word "criminal."
* The second? William Jefferson Clinton