posted on 05/14/08 by Opie
Hot stripping action.
Chick from Transformers topless! (Yeah, the nips are covered)
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air
- FFL - (Get back to submitting more!)
[NSFW] - Horny?
[NSFW] - Cuban slut.
[NSFW] - Nakedness.
[ SFW ] - Jesus saves!
[ SFW ] - Tree stealer.
[NSFW] - Hot babysitter.
[NSFW] - Local sexy girls.
[ SFW ] - Kinda silly game.
[NSFW] - Pig tails are hot.
[NSFW] - DVD quality porn.
[ SFW ] - Man eating glass.
[NSFW] - Damn.. she's sexy.
[ SFW ] - Total teen hotness.
[NSFW] - Check out dirty sluts.
[ SFW ] - These guys are dorks.
[NSFW] - Big ASIAN titties. Yay!
[NSFW] - What a great carwash.
[ SFW ] - Shannon Elizabeth's hot.
[ SFW ] - A Mac is still worthless.
[NSFW] - Wish she was my doctor.
[ SFW ] - Ultimate Indiana Jones quiz.
[ SFW ] - Get cool deals on everything.
[ SFW ] - I bet I could shut her mouth.
[ SFW ] - Sweet teen chick gets naughty.
[ SFW ] - I ever post this pussy smell shit?
[ SFW ] - Going to go with fake on this one.
[ SFW ] - You think that stripper likes you?
[ SFW ] - Buckle up your beer, forget your kid.
[ SFW ] - Sausage link eating contest. (ASIANS)
[ SFW ] - I think she's pretending to be a turkey.
[ SFW ] - I fucking hate the idea of breast reduction.
» Masturbation Anonymous
posted on 05/12/08 by Opie
Q and A
Q: What is the difference between jelly and jam?
A: You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriends ass.
Give that man a trophy.
That was a neat stunt.
Shadows can be scary.
Deal or No Deal dumbass.
Was hoping for a crash.
Pong slam dunk!
A man walks into a bar in Dublin and sees a guy, obviously drunk, with dozens of empty pint glasses around him. The man walks over to the drunk and asks what is wrong.
"Do you seen those ten bridges out that window? I built those bridges with me own two hands. But do they call me McGinty the bridge builder? Ahh, No."
He takes a sip of beer and continues: "And do you see those ships in the harbor? I built those ten ships with me own two hands. But do they call me McGinty the ship builder? Ahh, NO"
"But ya fuck ONE goat…."
..and a DAMN NIGGA!
- FFL -
[ SFW ] - Dude.
[NSFW] - Blow J.
[NSFW] - Sexercise.
[NSFW] - Slutty sites.
[ SFW ] - Holes of glory.
[NSFW] - That's an ass.
[NSFW] - Big ass tittas.
[ SFW ] - ASIANS!!!!!!!!!
[NSFW] - Long orgy vid.
[ SFW ] - 1 guy 1 brush...
[ SFW ] - Best "hills" ever.
[NSFW] - One night stand.
[NSFW] - Nice doggy style.
[ SFW ] - Sexy little ASIAN.
[ SFW ] - Eating giant larva.
[NSFW] - Horny girls for you.
[ SFW ] - She's pretty in pink.
[ SFW ] - A rap song explained.
[NSFW] - She gets banged hard.
[ SFW ] - Those boobs are crazy.
[ SFW ] - Hey ladies she's "bi" too.
[ SFW ] - Hey he's new to Youtube.
[ SFW ] - Coolest sleeping bag ever.
[ SFW ] - Funniest website hack ever.
[ SFW ] - How come I never saw this?
[ SFW ] - Passing the torch.. For real.
[ SFW ] - This is actually cool dancing.
[ SFW ] - Save money on a bunch of stuff.
[ SFW ] - Woman pregnant with 18th child.
[ SFW ] - Barack & McCain bring sexy back.
[ SFW ] - "Teacher Accused Of Wizardry" haha.
[ SFW ] - Are you drunker than Amy Winehouse?
[ SFW ] - How blondes get rid of one night stands.
[ SFW ] - Whoever made this is more fucked up than me.
[ SFW ] - Either your collar is messed up or your a Douchebag.
[NSFW] - Breast exams for you to spank to. I joined the lump police.
» black guy
posted on 05/09/08 by Opie
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Back flip into jeans.
Glad they tested it..
Band geeks are funny.
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
- FFL -
[NSFW] - Naughty.
[NSFW] - Lesbians!
[NSFW] - Porn vids.
[NSFW] - Sexy sites.
[NSFW] - Good blow j.
[ SFW ] - Discount city.
[NSFW] - Big titted MILF.
[NSFW] - Fun at the pool.
[ SFW ] - Broken condom.
[ SFW ] - Match Da Bater.
[NSFW] - One night stand.
[ SFW ] - Best bikini ever.
[ SFW ] - Three sexy girls.
[ SFW ] - Oh it's rape time.
[ SFW ] - Can tossing skills.
[ SFW ] - Cock fighting vids!
[ SFW ] - I want a pet panda.
[ SFW ] - Those tits are huge.
[NSFW] - She bangs her boss.
[ SFW ] - Nice lightsaber fight.
[ SFW ] - Cat fights are funny.
[NSFW] - Get some pussy tonight.
[ SFW ] - Chuck takes blood baths.
[ SFW ] - Cam whore does her thing.
[ SFW ] - Lay in bed for 5k a month.
[ SFW ] - The smartest cat in the world.
[ SFW ] - Kid hit by car, he deserved to die.
[ SFW ] - Use a corpse head to smoke pot!
[ SFW ] - Haha reminded me of Ace Ventura.
[ SFW ] - It's usually white girls that are crazy.
[ SFW ] - Awesome Wheel Of Fortune Contestant.
[ SFW ] - You Mama´s On Crack Rock. (Old school)
[ SFW ] - I wish a goose would attack me in the boat.
» hi yah!
posted on 05/07/08 by Opie
Q and A
Q: Why is it better to have a white teacher than a black teacher?
A: Because its easier to take an apple to class than it is WATERMELON!!
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Send yours here!
- FFL -
[NSFW] - Escort.
[ SFW ] - She's fat.
[ SFW ] - Hot teen.
[NSFW] - Just sex!
[NSFW] - Swingers.
[ SFW ] - Video porn.
[NSFW] - Latina chick.
[NSFW] - Porn reviews.
[NSFW] - Breast-tastic.
[NSFW] - Big porn clips.
[ SFW ] - Bikini Contest!
[NSFW] - Young hottie.
[NSFW] - Very nice tits.
[ SFW ] - Beautiful booty.
[ SFW ] - Amish Gone Wild.
[ SFW ] - Those white girls?
[NSFW] - Casual sex for free.
[ SFW ] - Stupid college kids.
[NSFW] - Definition of whore.
[ SFW ] - Porn Star or Pop Star?
[ SFW ] - Puff the Magic Dragon.
[ SFW ] - HOLY SHIT IT'S JESUS!
[ SFW ] - What the ASIAN is this?
[ SFW ] - She has a great tattoo.
[NSFW] - Bigger boobs are better.
[ SFW ] - Haha, I love black people.
[ SFW ] - The finished MASTERPIECE!
[ SFW ] - Some crazy Lottery stories.
[ SFW ] - The Jessica Bourne Ultimatum.
[ SFW ] - Any man that sings Cher is a faggot.
[NSFW] - Get bitches stripping on your desktop.
[ SFW ] - Arnold Schwarzenegger Insanity.. hahaha
[ SFW ] - How do you mistake your son for a turkey?
[ SFW ] - Pudding in tittie cups. What else do you need?
» beer and wine
posted on 05/05/08 by Opie
Q and A
Q: What do you call a white arsonist?
A: A firecracker.
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What does DIANA stand for?
A: Died In A Nasty Accident.
Two very funny clips from The Onion.
And this guy wants to be President?
Apparently he was in a hurry.
What the fuck?
I hear crabs suck.
Having Fun, While Taking A Driving Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the register that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Swear at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
My dumbass had to read it twice.
- FFL -
[NSFW] - Nymphs.
[NSFW] - Local sex.
[ SFW ] - Band-Aids.
[ SFW ] - She's sexy.
[NSFW] - Nice fake rack!
[NSFW] - Hot threesome.
[NSFW] - Sexy 20 year old.
[NSFW] - Amateur redhead.
[ SFW ] - Time to respawn...
[ SFW ] - Porn site reviews.
[ SFW ] - Surfing with sharks.
[ SFW ] - Seal rapes a penguin.
[ SFW ] - Dog with two noses.
[NSFW] - Tittie fuck and blow j.
[NSFW] - Chat with naked chicks.
[NSFW] - That's a bunch of MILFs.
[ SFW ] - High speed car chases!
[ SFW ] - MacGyver movie coming!
[ SFW ] - This is how to hug a baby.
[ SFW ] - I hate retards on Youtube.
[ SFW ] - ASIAN Rock Paper Scissors!
[ SFW ] - I like this version of Crank Dat.
[ SFW ] - That's a good place for flowers.
[ SFW ] - Coupons for INTERNET shopping.
[ SFW ] - Wish they were my sisters! Wait...
[ SFW ] - Strip basketball from The Man Show.
[ SFW ] - This idiot thinks Harry Potter was real.
[ SFW ] - Uh oh they want GTA 4 off the shelves!
[ SFW ] - I bet it smelled like straight shit in there.
[ SFW ] - Gary Coleman and wife on Divorce Court.
[ SFW ] - You know what sites to send him to.. haha
[ SFW ] - Does he seem gay to you? With that "walk".
[ SFW ] - Forecast: Mostly Drunk with a Chance of Horny.
» errrrrr harrrrrr
posted on 05/02/08 by Opie
Replies received from a fake Craiglist Post. Hilarious!
I had to add some bad ass music to this one.
Excellent rescue attempt.
That looks like fun.
Back flip on a quad?
Meet Joe Black... In real life.
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'.
- FFL -
[NSFW] - Pussy.
[ SFW ] - Donuts.
[NSFW] - Nymphs.
[ SFW ] - $10 tees.
[ SFW ] - Odditorium.
[ SFW ] - MLB Wives.
[NSFW] - Casual sex.
[ SFW ] - I have no game.
[ SFW ] - Make fun of me.
[NSFW] - Home made sex.
[NSFW] - Nice rack on her.
[ SFW ] - Hot Blonde Strips
[ SFW ] - Dead blonde bitch.
[NSFW] - Swallow that shit.
[ SFW ] - Porn site reviews.
[ SFW ] - Yay for bodyshots.
[ SFW ] - Nice wedding cake.
[NSFW] - Sexy redhead slut.
[ SFW ] - Demotivational Chicks.
[ SFW ] - When cam girls go bad.
[ SFW ] - Homeless James Bond.
[NSFW] - What the fuck is this?
[ SFW ] - Yeah he sure isn't gay.
[ SFW ] - Find the perfect sheep.
[NSFW] - Get some pussy tonight!
[ SFW ] - Lil Wayne fucking sucks.
[ SFW ] - Old man playing beer pong.
[ SFW ] - What is wrong with this girl?
[NSFW] - I threw up a little in my mouth.
[ SFW ] - Define "Dumb Nigger". Here ya go.
[ SFW ] - World of Warcraft fans will love this.
[ SFW ] - Indians are now crazier than ASIANS.
[ SFW ] - Akon Calls T-Pain on the phone.. haha